This movie could have been fun, even as a ‘so bad its good kind of feature’. Unfortunately, everything about this movie feels off, sometimes being a comedy, sometimes trying to be a drama, but mostly ending up as a snooze fest. Dracula himself doesn’t show up until halfway through the movie, and we have to suffer some very annoying lines of dialogue before then. The cast and crew don’t seem to gel that well together, and it really shows in their lines of dialogue together. Other times they just appear to be lost. For example, there are two scenes in a row where two different characters mistakenly shoot at their comrades, thinking that they are a vampire.
Plot threads also appear but don’t really go anywhere. The Captain’s name is Van Heilsing but it’s not significant (although, points to the movie for not making him invincible either). Another crew member is a super-strong robot, but doesn’t actually have any fighting scenes, often running away to get help. The absolute worst part is the ending. Having a good ending where the good guys win I can enjoy. Having a bad ending where all the characters dies I can also enjoy. Having a bad ending where all the characters die-yet somehow they know this hours in advance and spend their time shagging is not something I do enjoy.
FINAL GRADE: 1 star out of 5. It picks up when Dracula appears, but for the most part it’s easily forgettable.
Other name drops include: one of the characters called Mina Murray, and the ship recently picked up cargo from Transylvania.